Follow their lead to the brightest star

On every clear night my daughter, who is now 4, sees her "Paga", (my father). She points to the brightest star in the sky and says , excitedly, "Hi, Paga! I love you!" And then she blows "him" a kiss and hugs herself. Almost 18 months ago, my father passed away from Cancer. My daughter, who was 3 at the time, was close with him. She brought out joy in him and she loved to play with him. My son was one year old and doesn't remember him. But he is my fathers' spitting image. He walks like him, marches like him, is stubborn like him and surprises us on a daily basis with how much he is like my father.

When my father was diagnosed, my grandmother was four days away from leaving this world. My daughter was 18 months and my son was still in the womb. I remember the day after I sat in her pediatricians' office for a routine appointment. I was raw with emotion. I was hormonal from being pregnant and the doctor asked how I was. I sighed, started to cry and told her that I was having a tough time. I was going through an intense process of grief and possible grief, I was in the throws of first trimester pregnancy and I was worried how my instability was affecting my daughter. She assured me that she was ok. She told me to hug her when I needed comfort, and let her take the lead. But I wondered, how do I deal with death and helping my child who doesn't understand that dessert only comes after eating your vegetables, understand death? I had no idea where my journey would take me.

I did let my daughter take the lead. And it was beautiful to watch. Over the following year and a half, my father was in and out of hospitals. There were times when we wouldn't see him for over a month because we were sick and his immunity system was compromised. There were times when he entered the hospital for weeks at a time due to some sort of ailment or another. There was the time he shaved his head and I feared taking my daughter to see him, I was scared of her reaction. And ultimately, she had no reaction to it. As long as he was smiling, she was fine. Kids are resilient that way. And adaptable, more than we give them credit for. There was a time when he was in a state of confusion due to a head injury, and she was scared of him because he kept asking her questions over and over. But we redirected her and all was fine.

The month before my father passed, we were all at the mall and my father was walking with a cane. My daughter went to hug him goodbye and she was so exuberant she nearly knocked him over. We all laughed but she cried. At that moment I realized his demise of health was indeed affecting her. But I let her take the lead. In the car, she asked about him. We said he was still sick and to just be careful with him. But that he still loves her. And she said "I love him. I am sorry." I explained there was nothing to be sorry about. That it was an accident. My heart was breaking.

Four weeks later he passed away. I returned home from my moms' the morning after my dad's passing. My heart was heavy and I was nervous about telling my daughter that her Paga had passed away. We aren't overly religious. I ran through questions she might ask and the answers to them:

Q: How did he die?
A: He was sick, so sick that his body couldn't handle the bad "germs" anymore.

Q: Will I see him again?
A: Someday you will but not for a long time.

Q: Where did he go?
A: Heaven

I was ready. Or so I thought. I open the door to my house and sighed. I hugged my husband. we pulled our daughter aside and my husband and I began to tell her that her Paga had died. She didn't ask all of the questions above. She did ask where he went. We began to talk about heaven but the concept was lost on her.  I had remembered hearing someone say once that the loved ones who pass are on the brightest star. So I went with it. And she grabbed hold and I followed her lead.

Since then, she has a special bond with the night sky. Surprising us at the most random moments with memories of my father. And yes, we follow her lead when it comes to Paga.

Recently a friend, who is going through the same thing with her dad, asked how I handled it with my children. I gave her the suggestion of the star. But I also told her to follow her kids' lead.

Kids react in different ways. Depending on their age, understanding the topic of death can be difficult. It is a vague concept and not everyone believes the same thing. Everyone grieves differently. And the children have to navigate how the adults are grieving, their own grief and understanding the concept if death: it can be a lot. And their feelings and grief can manifest in many different ways. Fear, anger and attachment may occur, leaving the parent to be exhausted. But before exhaustion comes, take a moment, talk with your child and follow their lead.

My daughters' school rocks!

Today, I was locked out of my daughters' preschool. It made me smile. It gave me one more reason to love her pre school. But I didn't need another reason. I have plenty.

1) The teachers are awesome! They are loving, kind, firm, creative, tolerant, smart and overall pleasant to be around. 

2) From the moment we entered into the school over a year ago, we became a part of a family.  We look out for each other and treat each other with respect.

3) She is exposed to many many cultures on a daily basis. She learns about other families and their traditions, as well as other holidays and cultures.

4) The school is thoughtful enough to give my child a present on her birthday and at Christmas. And they don't hesitate to give back to families in need.

5) They are available for questions and concerns and are ready to offer help and advice whenever possible. 

6) They make it easy to leave my four year old daughter with them three days a week. 

7) They teach my daughter how to learn and the skills necessary to succeed in school. 

8) They put on awesome child centered programs for Christmas and at the end of the school year.

9) They help my daughter realize how special she is everyday. 

10)  They are dedicated to my family, our well being and our safety.

For these reasons and so many more, it wasn't a question as to where my son will go to school next year. And on Friday, when the tragedy happened in Newtown, I had no fear of sending my daughter to school today. Because I know she is loved, safe and sound there. 

Thank you to the staff of E.L.F. School. You are awesome! 

Skipping a beat

I know I haven't written in a long long time. I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind so I thought I might try to write it out. Friday, as many know, was the unspeakable Sandy Hook shooting tragedy. I was shocked and somewhat desensitized when I heard about it. It didn't hit me directly. I was upset by it and sad for those who lost their loved ones but I wasn't sobbing or bewildered. It was just as though another news story had happened.

As the day went on and there was an outpouring of emotions and grief, I began to wonder why I wasn't more affected by this tragedy. I started to feel a little guilty. Sure, when I went to go pick up my four year old daughter right after I had heard about it, I gave her an extra hug. And when she asked for an extra snack, I didn't argue. When my two year old son woke up from his nap, I squeezed him tight. And I did think about those families that wouldn't be able to do the same.  But, in the past, when I hear of these tragic events, I become mildly obsessed with the news coverage. This time was different.

I didn't want to read about it. I came to figure out later that my non emotional state was denial that it happened. And the fact is that as a former teacher, a parent and a mental health advocate, it hit too close to home. And because my kids are younger and won't be exposed to it, I could easily deny it.

But I can't anymore.

I can't deny that as a former teacher, it is terrifying to think that any teacher had to go through that. I asked myself, would I have given my life for my students? Absolutely. Because as a teacher, that's what you do. In this case teachers took a bullet. In other cases, teachers sacrifice their own life after hours worrying about kids, how to get them to learn and be the best they can be. Teachers are deeply undervalued and it is not only sad but disconcerting as well. I hope that teachers are seen in a different light soon.

As a parent, it is unfathomable that my children would be gone in a blink, right before Christmas, never to experience their joy again.

This weekend I had an experience I hope to never happen again. Amongst a weekend of Christmas joy, (we went to Dutch Wonderland and Strasburg Railroad's Santa train) my Son went missing. It felt like 5 minutes, (my husband says it was more like 20 seconds). We were all (14 of us) standing around waiting to get on the train. My two year old son was in the middle of all of us. Then it was time to get on the train. And he was gone. Horrible thoughts ran through my head. I took off to the front of the train to the steam engine that he was obsessed with.

I ran, hyperventilating, yelling his name, tears streaming down my face. I thought, "This is it. This is my tragedy" I thought he would be inspecting the hot steam engine from beneath. I thought he was taken. I thought.....of everything. Then I heard, "We found him!" And I turned around and there he was. I squeezed him tight and didn't want to let him go. I sobbed. (He had gone behind a building and was looking at another train). My heart stopped. And as I shook off the heart attack feeling, I thought, "He is still here" and I thought about all of parents of the Sandy Hook victims and how they can't say that. And how unfair it is.

While I watched my children in awe of the train ride, Santa and the general feeling of holiday loveliness, I smiled, slowed down and allowed myself to feel the season and enjoy my family. I took pictures and slowly, made good memories of the day instead of the day I lost my son.



Happy Holidays and love your family this season.

Honesty is the best policy

Let's be honest.
It's January 4th. I have one New Years Resolution that I want to keep. I want to save $5000 this year in groceries and health and beauty items. So far so good. I saved over $60 at CVS the other day.
The other "resolutions" I have made is to keep on top of the house better and maybe get a part time, in-house job.
But let's be honest. I have two young children. I have little patience for much beyond them. I feel accomplished when laundry and dishes are done. I feel accomplished when my kids are fed, clothed and behaving somewhat ok. (The three year old has been challenging that accomplishment recently).  And so, today when it is 16 degrees outside and I don't want to leave the house, I am ok with that. For today. The laundry is almost done. The dishes are half completed. My kids have been fed, and clothed. They have not napped today therefore the behavior component is questionable. But you can't have it all.

As for this blog, maybe I'll write again, maybe I won't. I'm being honest. I'm currently being fed "tea" by my three year old daughter and therefore being interrupted quite frequently. It is difficult to write.

Anywho, I have dreams of loving my current abode and organizing it so much that I am happy with the current amount of space we have. I have dreams of being a put-together super mom. One who does educational things with her children everyday and blogs about it. One who looks like I popped out of "My Style Board" on Pinterest. But let's be honest. I didn't shower nor change out of my ultra comfy clothes until 1pm today. My kids have been playing with their toys that Santa went overboard on buying and I'm ok with that. As for educational insight for my children: My 3 year old daughter started a new responsibility chart today. I'm hoping it will keep her in her room and quiet during quiet/nap time. Again, I could have created quiet time activities for her room, but let's be honest. I still have to do the dishes and finish the laundry. And then it will be time to make dinner.  And then I will have to do the dishes again.

Oh one more honest thing: I HATE DISHES!!!!!!!

;)

A Crafty Gift

A friend of mine is pregnant and had her baby shower over the weekend. I tackled a gift that I have been wanting to do for a little girl for sometime. Actually, I was going to do it for my little girl, but alas it was always on the perpetual "back burner" so I decided I would finally complete it for a gift.

My friend and I recently went to a consignment sale and she purchased barrettes for her unborn daughter, so I was excited to make this gift for her.
I had most of the supplies because I had been collecting them for my daughter.

I started out by purchasing a pine framed mirror at the craft store and ribbons to match the nursery decor. I also got white paint for the mirror. Note: Paint primer on pine first. Otherwise you will have to do 6 coats of paint. Pine is a thirsty wood that drinks up paint. 

To paint the frame, I put painters tape over the mirror and lightly sanded the wood. I then put on a coat of Titanium White acrylic paint. (Side note: whenever I see or hear Titanium White paint I think of Bob Ross... the most zen painter in the world. If you are ever stressed out, watch an episode. And laugh with the happy trees.) Then that dried. Then I lightly sanded the frame. and then I put on another coat and another coat and another coat and another coat..... then I went back to the craft store and found a glossy shimmering white paint that I put three coats on the frame. This last paint was nice because it was glossy and I forgot to get a top coat to finish it off... whoops.

Then I wrote the name of the baby on the frame with a silver sharpie.

For the ribbons, I glued them on the back of the frame and sealed the ends with glue. I also looped the bottom of the green ribbons with velcro to attach headbands.

For the barrettes, I used curler clips and hot glued ribbons on them with different charms and decorations for various holidays. Warning.. either have fingers of steel or practice yelling expletives while gluing before attempting. Hee hee. 

Mental Floss

I am in need of some major mental floss... I feel as though I have a million ideas floating in my head and no energy or time to execute. I have been dreaming of a completely organized house lately. One where every toy has a nice organized place to go, not the gigantic pile that grows daily in our living room. Something that incorporates nice storage like this:

( I copied this from Pinterest.com, I tried to find the original source to give credit but I couldn't find it)

A note about this: I don't want these colors, after all the room will also house the computer and tv that my husband will watch after the kids go to bed.

I also like this:

This picture is from : Marcy Penner

Do you see a theme here?  

And I want an organized kitchen. And an organized laundry/storage area. And I want the dishes to be done for more than 5 minutes. And the laundry to be done for more than 10 minutes. And I want to write and do crafts and cook and read and sleep...  Is that too much to ask for in a 24 hour day? I guess so.... maybe if I have another cup of coffee....

Ode to my son....

Today, I'm writing about my son, Dylan. He is 6.5 months old and adorable. OK I know I'm biased.... but really,he is adorable. I'm going to write about him today because I usually write about my daughter and frankly,  D-Man deserves some blog time too. He's adorable. Have I mentioned that? No, really, look :

The super chubby cheeks, the tuft of hair on top of his head, the supremely kissable lips and those gorgeous, flirtatious blue eyes. Yes I know I'm gushing. But, I'm his mom, I'm allowed to. He's such a good-natured baby too. He's generally super happy with a laugh that is infectious.I also love how he coos and grabs my face. He is SUPER ticklish and his smile is BEAUTIFUL! He is also a super eater! He eats everything but green beans. (seriously, the boy is 19 lbs already- my arms are looking very muscular these days) ) Yes, I know he is only 6 months old. But again, I am his Mom and I am allowed to gush.

He LOVES his older sister, and his face lights up hen he sees her. Jan, my husband, and I think that Lily will steamroll him when they are older, but that Dylan will hold his own in his own way.

So there you go. My D-Man, Little Buddy, My Gummy Bear, I love you so.